Maybe you’ve felt this too: wanting things has sometimes made you uncomfortable, embarrassed, even.
I have. Until fairly recently, I felt like I didn’t want anything. The truth is I didn’t allow myself to want anything. And when I did, I dressed it as a need.
Like many other people, I’d been trained to believe that wanting was unbecoming, behavior expected only of a selfish brat.
So, I learned to justify.
One Saturday afternoon, my husband and I went window-shopping with our 2-month old baby. At the Camper store in Calle Princesa, in Madrid, we both fell in love with a pair of shoes: he, a pair of patent leather oxfords; me, a pair of pale pink moccasins. We bought them and left the store, happy with our purchases.
Soon, I started to regret my purchase: a pair of pale pink moccasins wasn’t practical. What would I wear them with? Did they match my clothes? Were they formal enough for my consulting engagements?
What happened is I’d pictured my mother, whom I worked with, giving me her opinion about my new shoes. To counter her predictable criticism, I started to prepare my narrative: the purpose these shoes had, what made them valuable, and, most importantly, why I’d bought them.
At the same time I felt resentment, because why would it matter to me what she thought? I liked those shoes, had the “disposable income” to pay for them, and made decision to get them. Period.
But no, my mother’s approval seemed more important––even though I was 35––and justifying my decision was how I’d get it.
By justifying, I now understand, I was denying my freedom and affirming someone else’s power over me.
What decisions will you stop justifying, to assert your freedom?
Love,
Carolina
Carolina Perez Sanz 