If, according to poet Dorothy Hunt, “Peace is this moment without judgment,” to me, waiting feels like the opposite: I judge that things are not what they should be, and I’m not at peace.
I could keep my peace, open to whatever may or may not unfold in the next moment. Or I could put life on hold, in anticipation of what’s to come––either dreading or looking forward to it.
Since we started the relocation project, I’ve been feeling in an indefinite “wait period.” Waiting to hear back from potential employers, landlords, probation officers, delivery drivers, moving companies.
And instead of living each moment as an instance of “this is life,” I created a false scenario where the present didn’t count as life; where life would start after I got the answers.
During this self-imposed holding period, I struggled to keep up with even the parts of my life I most enjoy: writing felt laborious, cooking became an ordeal, taking a walk in the afternoon seemed outlandish.
I felt I needed to stay put, just in case, in a “do nothing till you hear from me” sort of way. Paralyzed by a “what if” I wasn’t sure when or if it would come.
In the latest installment, I’d submitted a final onboarding task for a new project that had already made me wait for results multiple times. A few minutes ago, the email came in: “after careful revision…” I wasn’t selected due to low scores.
I was relieved: finally I knew, the loop was closed. I was also relieved because the task was tedious and absolutely not something I’d enjoy doing for 40 hours a week, so, thank you!
But it made it clear that the wait-period paralysis was something I chose. I might as well choose to live while things I don’t have any control over happen––or don’t.
What are you putting on hold while life happens around you?
Love,
Carolina
Carolina Perez Sanz 