Fear is the Ego showing up. Sometimes, the Ego is right to be afraid: if a car is about to hit you or the riptide pulls you in. But mainly, making you afraid is what the Ego does because it thinks fear is going to keep you safe.
Yesterday morning, brushing my teeth, I had a gripping sensation in my ribcage. Scared, I looked myself in the mirror. Then I realized: “oh, it’s just fear,” I said to myself. As if by magic, the sensation, while still there, stopped being uncomfortable.
I spent the day in a frozen state, doing tasks that needed to be done but feeling away from life. Not empty, not detached; more like dissociated. It took me hours to complete a job application and buy some things online. After, my brain turned off. I wanted to write but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
This morning, in a Yoga With Adriene session, I noticed how jealous I was of her: what a nice studio she has, how well she does the poses, how successful she seems to be. I knew it was my Ego, and yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that “I’ve lost my talent” and “missed my opportunity of success.”
Once in the kitchen, while putting a wooden spoon in its place, it dawned on me that I’m creating my dissatisfaction by not accepting life as it is.
My Ego has been convincing me that I needed to change reality if I wanted to be happy. So it pushed me to do what, in its anxiety, it thought would change my reality: apply for jobs, study the map of the new area to know exactly where I’ll do my grocery shopping and how many minutes it’ll take me to get there––while my book, which is what really matters, stays unwritten.
Now I get it: my Ego’s existence and persistence is reality, and fighting it won’t change it. If I accept that it’s there and that it fills me with fear, I can rest in the certainty that I’m free to write and live, even if I’m scared.
What will you do when you accept your fear instead of fighting it?
Love,
Carolina
Carolina Perez Sanz 