Feeling like a “good person” is a strong driver for most of us. Facing the possibility that we’re not one is hard.
Three years ago, my sister’s accusation that I’d manipulated her into doing something for my own benefit sent me spiraling into regretful anxiety. Was I such a scheming, self-serving person?
After months of therapy and countless RAIN meditation sessions with Tara Brach, I was able to forgive myself for what I understood was an honest mistake, due to my human imperfection.
But there was something familiar in the accusation. “¡Qué zorrita!” [what a little fox!], my father would almost proudly say whenever I got it my way. In his eyes, using a ruse to hide my true agenda was a sign of intelligence, if borderline machiavellian.
What he didn’t say was that I did it out of fear––like we all do, when we’re not paying attention. If your Ego fears death by rejection, it’ll push you to try and control the situation and the people involved. It’ll convince you there was no other option so you’ll feel like a victim and justify your less than honorable actions.
And all that will be happening without your noticing. And because you don’t notice it, you can keep feeling like the “good person” you’re striving to be.
Becoming conscious of your intentions takes courage, because you will find wild things there. But sitting in the discomfort of seeing even your ugliest parts is the only way to choose in full consciousness. The only way you can live a sincere life driven by a truthful heart.
What will become possible once you become fully conscious of your true intentions?
Love,
Carolina
Carolina Perez Sanz 