In the face of anxiety, your Ego acts out. Sometimes it directs you to self-punish. Other times, to feel victimized by the world. Or you may just stomp the floor, paralyzed, arms crossed, like a toddler in the candy aisle at the supermarket.
Today, I engaged in all three:
- I didn’t meditate, go to the gym, or do morning pages
- I’d planned my time but then, people (of course, it’s always “people!”) kept me waiting, preventing me from following my plan
- I felt rebellious against writing this––what if I don’t?
The most telling sign of anxiety showed up when I finally went to the store: I bought and devoured two chocolate-covered pretzels from the cookie bar (170 calories each).
It wasn’t hunger. It was a desire to take revenge. Against whom?
Against those who’d made me waste my time? Against my son, who’d slept in and had to rush to his weekly check-in at the probation office? Against myself, for not being as spiritual as I wish to be?
Yes, it was that. But also, I was rebelling against my self-imposed rigidity. What if I don’t write? What if I don’t meditate? What if I eat two cookies?
I can see my behavior as “addictive.”
But also, since my compulsion is the rigidity that comes with restricting, I can see it as a crack in the hardshell. An invitation to be kind to myself––”it’s okay, darling, you don’t have to be perfect.”
What act of self-kindness are you ready to adopt?
Love,
Carolina
Carolina Perez Sanz 